Faith vs. Fear
I have always been complimented on the amount of faith I have because of how strong I would be and how determined I was when accomplishing goals in life. Even when situations exemplified nothing but negative outcomes, I always found that my glass was half full instead of half empty.
But, lately - I've been feeling empty in my faith because it seems as though every promise God has made to me is becoming more vague and more unclear. It is appearing as though every desire of my heart is becoming for faint. Now, I am being a little dramatic because God has provided me so much favor in my family, my career, and my education. My heart is full and satisfied with what God has done there. But when I reflect and meditate on my heart's current desires for my future...I am unsure. I thought God told me who was in my future and what would be happening in my future already, but now I am unsure of that word. Did I really hear God or was I hearing what I wanted to hear? Did my desires spill into my prayers for God's will to be done? But doesn't the Bible say that he will give us the desires of our heart? Then we turn around and preach that God's will be done and not our own? So is our will not our desires or are they the same thing? I am going through this moment of questioning and doubting because I am so unsure right now.
When we allow uncertainty to form, fear has a funny way of creeping in.
My heart is confused because now I just. don't. know. I feel like a hypocrite because I tell my mentees and my students "you got this! Trust God! He knows your plan already! Have faith!" and here I am questioning it all.
But then one day, I went to a Mega Gospel concert in Dallas, TX, and I heard Tasha Cobbs minister in song. She began singing this song "You Know My Name". She sung "You know my name. Oh how you walk with me. Oh how you talk with me. Oh how you tell me, that I am your own." As she repeatedly declared those words into the atmosphere, I really thought about every request God has answered, every ounce of favor God has poured into my life, and every blessing he gracefully gave me. He did all of that just for me because he knows me, he knows what I want, he knows my name - he wrote my name down already! Right now I am uncomfortable because something is being taken from me, but I believe God still has a plan. Right now I am hurt and confused, but I believe God is taking me under his wings to provide comfort just because I am his own!
Tasha began singing "No fire can burn me, no battle can turn me, no mountain can stop me, because you hold my hand! I am walking in your victory because your power is within me, no giant can defeat me because you hold my hand!" Right now, I feel like I am walking in the fire and I am scared. I was running this race called life, and I feel like I just hit a mountain-like wall. The battles I am fighting spiritually and emotionally are trying to place my mind in captivity.
BUT God's endless, sufficient grace covers me through the unexpected trenches, fires, battles, and potholes along the way.
I have the victory. My tears will turn from fear to joy! My cry out to God will turn from desperation and frustration to liberation and gratefulness. I will walk through this moment knowing that God already called my name, personally wrote my plan out, and is waiting on me to fully trust me.
It is hard right now. It is soooo hard right now, but I will get through this. So, if you are going through something similar or you feel like nothing is making sense in your life because everything is clouded - I admonish you to remember the moment God saved you. Remember the moments he spared your life when you could have not made it. Remember the moment God granted you that job or opportunity you were not qualified for but he CHOSE you. Allow those memories of what he has done for you and your prayer requests to signify what he is going to do for you in the future. He is the same God yesterday, today, and forever more. He has not changed...he is just waiting on us. He sees you coming...keep walking through that fire, through the battles, through the mountains - because you will get through it and WHEN you make it through, tell me, so I can rejoice with you!